( The things a man will do for hummus ... he's definitely spent the past hour or so questioning whether his craving is worth this incoming humiliation. What the hell was he thinking? Ugh. At any moment, his housemate will walk through that door. He's felt a lot of recent shame in his life and this definitely adds to the pile. )
( ooc: ty for writing this they're absolutely killing me )
[ said roommate comes back late in the afternoon. he's pretty leisurely when he takes the time to grocery shop, and this time is no exception. obviously kaveh is dreading this exchange while waiting at home. if he can string out the dread a little longer and make him pay for wasting his time with endless hummus texts, it's all worth the effort.
so, yeah. soon the front door lock is jostling and he walks inside with a heavy paper bag. somewhere in that bag is kaveh's offending little jar.
he's not about to announce himself, so he just busies himself with dropping off his keys at the nearest tabletop and shrugging off his coats. ]
( ooc: YOU'RE WELCOME EHEEHEE sorry that this took me a bit to get back to jdkshdfkh some irl things popped up! )
( And there he is. Right on schedule. Kaveh is feeling ... quite strange! After hearing Alhaitham walk in! Which is probably to be expected. His text message was an embarrassing blunder, and now he's trapped in a situation he can't worm his way out of. The reward will be worth it, he supposes ... far better they get it over with sooner rather than later. The blonde man sighs audibly, uncrossing his legs where he is sitting on one of the green chairs in their shared lounge. )
If you're going to make me live out one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, then let's just get on with it, all right?
( ooc: no worries at all! i'll wait forever for this mess )
[ kaveh had plenty of outs. alhaitham badgered and berated him, left him ample time to text him again and change his mind altogether. kaveh getting up and finding hummus on his own was the path of least resistance, and it wouldn't eat into alhaitham's schedule, patience, or dwindling energy reserves. they could both be spared the headache.
that isn't what happened. and, not to go back on his word, alhaitham is here with the hummus in hand. along his way home, alhaitham carried vague imaginings of what would happen after he stepped through his front door. maybe kaveh would actually say it, albeit through gritted teeth and with abysmally low enthusiasm. most likely kaveh would argue that begging is less humiliating than the alternative.
alhaitham won't let himself imagine a one possible outcome of this. the idea is an abstraction, more nebulous and clouded and impossible than the rest. it flashes through his vision in a small rush of cold, but alhaitham doesn't entertain it any longer than that.
anyway. he stalks into the lounge towards kaveh, a coy smile spreading on his mouth. he raises the bag hanging from his fist as if to prove that he's brought it. ]
( The call of hummus is strong. Besides, when working from home, there's nothing quite like chasing the fun of distractions while taking a break. Even though it involved a lot of humiliation, Kaveh can't deny that their text conversation was actually quite entertaining. Oftentimes they argue about their respective fields of interest or Alhaitham's taste in furniture, but spending the entire afternoon texting about hummus felt rather fun somehow.
In any case, the blonde man sighs again, contemplating why this has him worked up into such a frenzy. They're usually at each other's throats, and yet ... maybe part of him truly believes Alhaitham is his favourite. Unpacking them may be quite intimidating. )
Let's not waste any more time. Come here. ( Don't make him repeat himself, Alhaitham. Please. )
[ kaveh probably feels this same twinge of irritation when alhaitham gives him orders or unnecessary lectures. while their conversation before had been enjoyableaffable decent, the time alhaitham sank into this conversation could have been used for something else.
(that's what he tells himself, anyway. no matter what, he may get one thing from their conversation that would make it all worthwhile.)
so, like a bastard, he walks himself to the kitchen. ]
I have produce. You can stand to wait ten minutes.
[ its not like either of them are cryo users!! produce needs to be packed in a box of ice i guess. they've probably invented something like refrigerators. maybe. ]
( He groans loud enough for Alhaitham to hear him from across the house. Drama queen of the century, that's him. )
Ugh, fine. ( See if he cares! (He cares a lot.) Kaveh will just recline and stare at the ceiling with both arms crossed until Alhaitham decides to join him. )
You better prove to me that you bought the kind I like before we progress.
( Oh ... that is the kind he likes. From the exact stall that he goes to. How on earth did Alhaitham get a detail like that so correctly? Part of Kaveh expected him to buy the cheapest tub he could find, but this little attention to detail certainly woos him. Guess he's going to really have to amp up the performance on his part, isn't he? )
You knew...? ( Not to mention, he can smell those warm pitas ... and the doughy, savoury aroma causes Kaveh's stomach to rumble. Whoops, how embarrassing. Has this stubborn fool really gone so long without eating today? That would be a yes. In any case, it looks like this man is in need of his payment. The blonde man collects himself with a breath, then gazes up at Alhaitham like a devout follower of his. )
Alhaitham ...
You're my favourite.( Would that suffice....?????? )
[ so alhaitham's plan fell through. he expected kaveh to whine and fight back, insisting that it was an unfair ask just for some food, bringing up alhaitham's promise to bring it home with no holds barred. instead, kaveh's not wasting a moment.
thank god he's wearing his earpieces. his ears feel hot. this is so many things at once. bizarre, over-the-top, embarrassing, mildly satisfying yet unpleasant. alhaitham wrinkles his nose a bit. kaveh really would do anything for hummus. this just doesn't feel right. ]
You were aware of the risks. If I'm not convinced, you won't get your hummus.
[ he looks totally unfazed by the outrage. his stomach is slowly twisting. some part of him is unfairly, illogically reaching for kaveh's sincerity, even if he knows he'll never get it.
once more. then he'll give it to kaveh, sincere or not, and be done with it. there's no point in drawing this out when he won't get what he wants. ]
B-But then that's an entire tub of hummus going to waste! You can't threaten me with something like that! ( One possibility that Kaveh isn't taking into account: Alhaitham claiming the hummus for himself. But, ugh ... he's really going to have to suffer through humiliation for this, isn't he? (If he wasn't such an easily lead man, perhaps he would be able to resist taking the bait ... but alas!) )
( There's a determined glint that flashes in his ruby eyes when Kaveh steps up off the green seat that he was perched on, before he walks across the room to confront his housemate. This ... really doesn't seem as easy as he expected, now that he's staring directly at Alhaitham. How could anything be better than the performance he gave prior to this? Should he actually sink down to his knees and grovel, or deliver some kind of heartfelt dialogue? )
... ( He better make up his mind soon before this pause turns awkward. )
Alhaitham. You ... really are my favourite. ( It seems that grovelling is off the table, so heartfelt dialogue it is. ) Despite our past grievances, you took me in when I had nowhere else to go. You've been a constant presence in my life for many years, and one that I didn't know I needed until you came back to me. We don't see eye to eye on every matter, but the conflict of our interests and opinions means that no day is ever boring when I'm with you. Your ability to record language and history captivates me, as does your commitment to intelligence and academia, since those areas are my own shortcomings as someone with a creative mind. I never want to lose sight of how much you mean to me ever again. We're apart from our families, we only have each other, and I hope your presence stays in my life for as long as possible.
( ...
Okay, that was a lot sappier than he intended-- so much that his cheeks are pink. )
[ the shift is so sudden, like glass cracking to pieces or a slap in the face.
where he had been indifferent when kaveh strode up to him, alhaitham looks like he's been slapped. the larger part of him expected kaveh to make a break for the jar or continue arguing enough that alhaitham would lose motivation. maybe kaveh would even get on his knees, since he seems to be bold and shameless when it comes to his afternoon snacks. alhaitham is not expecting the sincerity in the least. when kaveh finishes, alhaitham just stares back with his brows lifted, unable to turn his gaze away.
I never want to lose sight of how much you mean to me ever again is stays with him. he wants to attribute it to nothing, scale it down to just another phrase in his monologue, but his mind writes it in gold in his memory, replays every stream of breath and click of teeth and rolling syllable of it over and over. more than calling alhaitham his favorite, or even pointing out his talents, kaveh is saying that he needs and wants him in his life for as long as he possibly can.
kaveh decides to say all of this now. over the stupidest deal known to man. he's even blushing. ]
[ for a few moments, alhaitham is at a loss. then, as usual, the pragmatic part of him wins out over all else. it steels his heart and head, tamps down every errant thought and idea of how to respond that's far outside of his character—earnest admissions, quiet promises. the discomfort of being known that deeply, especially by kaveh, would be enough to make him turn and walk away before he even says a word.
it's hot under his earpieces. he lets his gaze slide off to a corner of the room, trying to forget the hard pink in kaveh's cheeks. he brings up the jar in front of him in offering. ]
( Kaveh swallows, his cheeks dark both from embarrassment and his overly honest declaration. He's immensely grateful for everything that Alhaitham does for him, and he's certainly holding back on everything that he could be saying to the other man. Why does he hold back so much? Is it pride, ignorance, or a myriad of reasons? The blonde man glances down at the jar, then back up to his housemate before he takes it from him. )
Yes, well, that's just how it happened. ( And honestly? He's so surprised that Alhaitham didn't tease him for it. )
[ for the first time, something in kaveh's gaze feels oppressive—not from any malice or ill intentions, but because of his earnestness. if this was an act just to get ahold of some snacks, kaveh wouldn't be blushing, or at least not to this extent. he would be loudly exclaiming victory, alhaitham thinks, or calling him secretly soft or sensitive. instead kaveh seems flustered, like the words had poured out of him before he could think to contain them.
the reason why alhaitham doesn't tease him (as he's normally wont to do) is because kaveh surprised him too. he said exactly what alhaitham's heart wanted to hear—short of a few certain words that he will never ever voice—and now alhaitham has the weight of kaveh's words in his mind, unsure of what to do with them.
alhaitham isn't one to blush—a combination of general indifference and genetic blessings. his ears take the brunt of his emotions, and thankfully those are hidden away. he forces himself to look at kaveh sidelong, head tilted towards the corner of the room, and he's quiet for almost a moment too long before he finally says: ]
Then again, I should have expected the over-embellishment.
[ he takes a step backward, turning halfway towards the kitchen. they're obviously done here. ]
If I didn't know any better, I would almost think that you meant all of what you said. Enjoy your prize.
Edited (sorry, changing things up a bit!) 2023-06-07 15:43 (UTC)
YELLS OVER THIS THREAD AGAIN JKHAFFHjfgjh THE PIPELINE OF HUMMUS TEXTING TO INTENSE EMOTIONS
( i'm also screaming bc i'm right with you there in the 'alhaitham's ears turn hot when he's flustered' headcanon ajkshdaSDFSKDJFH LIKE THIS SUCH A FAV )
( There's just no end to the mysteries of the Akademiya's Scribe. Even though Kaveh can certainly feel his insides knotting with anxiety and doubt over whether or not it was foolish of him to go overboard, Alhaitham's last statement manages to interrupt these feelings. He can't stop himself from vocally declaring his protest, either. )
What do you mean, you "almost think I meant it"?
( The blonde man's brow creases as he steps forward. )
You thought I was just talking nonsense? Is that what you believe? ( Kaveh doesn't understand why he's being so defensive over this. But when can he ever make sense of how Alhaitham makes him feel? ) Do you really think I'm the type of man to play with someone's emotions like that?
( I LOVE THAT ARTIST SM... i always make his ears blush any time i thread with him. you get it 😌 )
[ alhaitham is as stoic as ever, but kaveh's reprimands make his heart rise into his throat. even if all of what kaveh repeated to him had been true to some degree, if he did finally recognize how he needs alhaitham, how does he hold that information? what's alhaitham's next move, knowing that his own feelings for kaveh might be understood and reciprocated?
he sets the bag of cut pita down onto the table beside them and crosses his arms. at least he turns to face kaveh again rather than walking back out towards the kitchen. ]
I've repeated myself ad nauseam by this point. You were surprisingly willing to put your dignity on the chopping block for the sake of food—something you could have gotten yourself. I wouldn't put it past you to use a seemingly more sincere tactic after exhausting all other options.
Offering compliments to people is a normal part of my values.
( Surely, Alhaitham can't deny that ... Kaveh will grovel and act like a fool, but he'd never run his mouth and sing his praises about someone in an effort to be deceptive. He's far too gentle hearted for such an endeavour. Even when it's Alhaitham. Especially when it's Alhaitham.
He folds his arms. It's funny - he doesn't even look at the food despite how much he begged for it. His priorities are elsewhere. )
Whether it was a "tactic" or not doesn't change the fact that it wasn't untrue. But, never mind! If you'd rather twist my heartfelt compliments into something else, then be my guest. I know my own reality and don't need it contorted to fit your agenda.
[ classic haikaveh: arguing at one another with their arms crossed, misconstruing every good intention. if they weren't in the house already, everyone around them would be giving them a wide berth by now.
his mind supplies a response immediately: do you honestly believe that everything you told me was a "compliment?" you told me that you needed me. alhaitham bites it back and raises his arm to gesture as he speaks. ]
When compliments are freely given, the sincerity behind those words gets watered down as they're repeated. As someone so governed by their propensity to appease others, you should at least be aware of that. Regardless, I could pick apart several points in your appeal that I find questionable, the long short of it being that you can't possibly need or find enjoyment in living with someone that you clearly, vocally disdain.
How can you even apply a theory like that when I've never shown you such a display before?! If repetition truly dilutes compliments, then how can you accuse me of this when I rarely vocalise this sort of thing to you?!
( HONESTLY, THE MOST HAIKAVEH BEHAVIOUR OF ALL TIME ... A PATHETIC ARGUMENT OVER COMPLIMENTS ... )
You're more than welcome to pick apart my appeal! But don't expect me to listen! ( This may be awakening his hunger. He's eyeing up those pitas. But, also, ) Besides! When did I ever say that I feel disdain towards you?
According to Paimon, itwas mentioned in a conversation between you, her, and the Traveler. Our disdain is mutual, it seems.
[ paimon had once brought up the fact after confronting him about the nature of their odd, strained relationship. ]
And I'm talking about your excessive compliments towards all others, not just me. Don't you think that dampens the sincerity of those extended to one given person?
( Kaveh recollects this conversation for a moment and shakes his head, huffing out an annoyed sigh. )
Hmf. Well. Sometimes I say things I don't mean. I was in a very dour mood that day. Don't read too far into it. Besides, you should trust the source far more than the messenger. If I'm telling you I don't hate you, I'd expect you to believe me, no matter what I might say in private when I'm feeling slightly heated.
... And no. I don't, actually. I think I can spread compliments far and wide, and the sincerity doesn't fall short no matter the quantity.
[ there's no way to argue about kaveh's mood at the time—not when it comes to the inter-darshan championship. he had every right to be moody or in turmoil, to say things that he didn't mean.
despite himself, alhaitham knows that what kaveh had said was genuine. it's alhaitham who's attempting to water down those sentiments, like he could stifle the hope and heart-wrenching feelings that they invoke. kaveh's heart is as soft as cotton, giving way in the hands of so many other people. alhaitham won't lay claim to it. ]
If that is how you feel then so be it, but you should also understand that others may not feel the same.
[ he lets that sink in for a moment, but kaveh will notice that alhaitham slides his gaze elsewhere and lifts his finger to his mouth, contemplating something. once he strings his words together, his eyes flicker back up. ]
For all of your tantrums and indignant responses to my criticisms, you consider me essential to your life. Is that right?
[ he's teasing a little, but he also needs to hear it again. ]
( Kaveh breathes out another annoyed huff through his nostrils. And then Alhaitham says that and he falls silent for a moment, threading his fingers through his golden locks of hair in an act of self-soothing. This is the worst. Can't they just eat? )
Yes, of course I do ... ( he trails off, implying some hesitance - further emphasised by an uncomfortable groan. ) It's just ... mmm. ( sigh. ) ... Now I'm really thinking back to when I spoke to the Traveller and Paimon. And ... I really was in a whole other mood when talking to them.
( he could stop talking here, he could end this, and eat his food just like he's been wanting to all day. but ... he keeps going. )
I was rushing around all morning, slightly manic. Um, packing, if you remember that. How I boxed up some of my belongings ... adamant I'd get out of here. Out of your hair.
It's ... it's not you I have any sort of disdain for. Or even living with you, as a concept. The problem is just ... ( another deep sigh. ) Me. I'm the problem. I hate feeling like a huge burden in your life. I'm this washed-up failure of a human being and the guilt overwhelms me at times. The prospect of winning and moving out really carried away my ambition, because then I'd be out of your hair, and you'd never have to deal with me ever again. I wouldn't be bothering you any more. So ... I don't hate you. You're essential to my life. But I just ... hate myself.
( ah, sweet Kaveh. he's gone and let some of his vulnerabilities leak. )
[ It's certainly not as if Alhaitham isn't aware of Kaveh's beauty. ]
[ He'd always known that Kaveh could turn heads without even trying, and he's loath to ever admit it but as a young student who'd always had his head buried in a book, even his head had lifted the first time he'd seen Kaveh. That's just how easily he grabbed attention. ]
[ Kaveh was captivating to look at, something Alhaitham had only more recently admitted to himself, and he'd only become moreso with time. This in itself wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that other people appeared to have the same level of appreciation for Kaveh has Alhaitham did. ]
[ Like tonight. He and Kaveh were out for drinks, and he'd caught no less than four people staring in their direction. Kaveh's specifically and while he's not saying anything about it to Kaveh, he is quite busy sending pointed stares at those patrons. ]
[ Perhaps it wasn't obvious enough that they were out together... ]
( With the Architect's penchant for going the extra mile with glamourising his appearance, it's inevitable that he turns heads more often than not. But Kaveh would argue that it's not quite his intention to make such a stir - while it feels nice to be aesthetically appreciated, he dresses for himself above anything else. After (finally) officiating himself as the partner of the Akademiya's Scribe, it's liberating to finally allow himself some public displays of affection with the man he loves. And yet ...
Well, it seems that some travelling mercenary types in the tavern haven't quite taken the hint that Kaveh is an unavailable man. Despite how much he leans into his partner and shares his space, it seems that every possible opportunity is taken for these men to cast their eyes down the slope of his back. It's as if Kaveh can feel their gaze burning directly into the ventilation window on his silken white shirt. The blonde unfurls an embarrassed sigh, leaning into Alhaitham, voice drawn out in a hushed whisper. )
They keep staring at me. It seems we picked a bad night to come out ...
( But isn't this an all too common encounter for them? Most definitely. Kaveh is often oblivious to being such a beacon of light, drawing others in with his natural charm and charisma in addition to his looks. It's flattering to be checked out so brazenly, but it's also a little bit embarrassing. Because he is now spoken for, it stirs quite an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. He gives Alhaitham a squeeze on the arm. )
Perhaps we ought to call it an early night once we finish this round of drinks. ( Reaching for his glass of wine, he takes a hearty sip. ) Mm. It's not all that nice to be stared down like I'm a prey animal ... I mean, apart from if you would ever do it, of course. ( He jests. )
[ It's stated like simple fact; it was fact for Alhaitham and one that he now has little problem saying to the other man. He lets his hand rest over Kaveh's in turn, gaze flickering briefly and sharply toward the nearest set of eyes he knows still linger on Kaveh. The flinch he receives in return is satisfying, but not enough. It's not nearly enough when he knows those eyes will just flicker back when Alhaitham looks away. ]
I'll close our tab then.
[ He gets up then, letting that hand over Kaveh's trail up his arm, slow and deliberate as he leans over to whisper into the other man's ear. ]
I wouldn't just stare you down, Kaveh. I'd devour you.
[ With that, he moves away to the bar, hailing down the barkeep so he can take care of their tab. He's sure that no one will approach the other man while he's gone, but it bothers him all the same to leave Kaveh alone when he's feeling uncomfortable. ]
( A shudder runs down his spine when Alhaitham whispers in his ear like that. "Hypnotic" ... that's certainly one a hell of a word to hear. It's one thing to hear a passing comment like "beautiful" or "attractive", but there's a different weight entirely attached to a word like hypnotic. Kaveh felt dumbfounded to learn that Alhaitham had feelings for him back when they first confessed to one another - and despite the architect's best efforts to present himself beautifully, there is a deep ingrained part of him that hates himself. This part of him also doesn't believe that he deserves nice things. That those things he yearned for would forever stay out of reach ... until Alhaitham.
When his partner leaves to get their tab, Kaveh is left all alone. At first he thinks nothing of it - until two men descend on him like vultures on a meal. It catches him off guard, and suddenly Kaveh remembers Alhaitham saying that he would devour him. Apparently, he's not the only man in Sumeru who feels that way.
The blonde architect is charismatic and talkative. Everyone knows that, which is why it's difficult for him to shoo the men away at the start. He's a polite man, being assertive isn't his strongest suit. One of the men brazenly leans in to comb one of his golden locks of hair through his fingers. At this point, Kaveh stands up out of his seat and politely excuses himself. He can feel their gazes fixed on his ass when he walks away, finding his partner and nestling in by his side. )
I think we better make a move ... I don't know if you saw, but some creeps were trying to solicit me. ( It's nauseating, really. No Mora in the world would be worth that. )
[ Of course, it's not even a minute before others swoop in to try and fill the void left by Alhaitham's stepping away. Even with his headphones, he's not deaf to the sounds they make, futile attempts to curry favor with Kaveh while the man retains his politely friendly tone. And he's moments from turning around to deal with the issue when he hears the scraping of a chair and Kaveh excusing himself. ]
[ His eyes meet the barkeep's evenly, who looks relieved to see that a fight isn't about to break out, before turning his attention over to Kaveh. ]
I saw. We're done here so we can leave.
[ But of course he can't leave it at that. Alhaitham's eyes flicker toward the men once more, waiting for the moment they look toward him with daggers in their eyes before raising his hand under Kaveh's chin. His touch his gentle, coaxing the architect forward and leading him right into his arms with a heated kiss that claims him. That leaves no question as to who Kaveh would be going home with tonight. ]
( The fire in Alhaitham's eyes turns Kaveh's knees to jelly for a moment. The stern look on his face far excels the normal stoic one that he wears - he seems angry, and Kaveh loves it. There is no physical resistance from the blonde man when his boyfriend snares his lips with a domineering kiss, which causes Kaveh's lashes to flutter and his heart to skip at lease five beats.
Wow.)
R-Right, let's go ...
( It's not often that the chatty blonde man is lost for words, but it was such an unexpected move that he couldn't help himself. As they leave the tavern, Kaveh glances at the other man, feeling foggy from the alcohol with a bright pink blush dusting his cheeks. )
What was that all about? I've never seen you get fired up in that way before.
though that in itself is an imprecise description. the haravatat exist in the realm of phonemes and etymons, of dissecting words down to their very base components, to be taken apart, and analysed, and reassembled into meaning. imprecision is an imposition on language. alhaitham should know better. waking is a solo effort. with precision: alhaitham rouses. he rouses to the knowledge that there is a third person beneath the eaves of his roof. the night is still. the nightbirds sing. the stiffness of his limbs and the sleep-fog of his mind indicate to alhaitham that he has but two or three hours to go before the day's cycle begins anew. one cannot look to the cycle of the day without first breaking the cycle of night, and this one, alhaitham knows well. he feels the third person's presence in the stock-still of the air, the coolness of night's touch, the house's bated breath as if waiting for the passing of a predatory storm. he feels it, and knows it, and because he is alhaitham, he names it. only by giving name to the unknown can you hold power over its existence. the third person's name is grief.
in truth, kaveh's secrets tend to be open secrets. he is bankrupt. he lives with alhaitham. he has a penchant for alcohol and his heart has a penchant to bleed. the message boards of sumeru city is dotted with the cursive of his thoughts on paper for the world to see - an open secret made form and memory. but the biggest open secret is one that alhaitham keeps. kaveh is kept company by the third person in this house. beneath the eaves, grief has made its home. it goes like this: a stressful deadline, a past-due payment, the twisting of a rose-stem or the fall of a single flower's petal. it goes like this: a child laughs, the food grows cold, alhaitham returns home from the desert three days past his notice. it goes like this: kaveh sleeps, and he rouses, and the nightmare lingers. alhaitham, who owns this house, has learned its rhythm. he has categorised the timber of its silences and made definition out of its darkness. when kaveh lives with his nightmare, he holds his breath, as if waiting for something large, toothed and slow-moving in the night to pass him by. and with it, the house holds its breath, and with the house, alhaitham too.
the floor of his room is ice. alhaitham traverses it barefoot as he makes his way down the hall to his guest room. the floorboards nominally creak beneath his weight. kaveh had taken hammer and pliers to the boards one summer, citing how alhaitham has neglected renovations long enough, and had replaced the previous squeak and creak of cheap plywood for the dark and solid adhigama he'd sourced from a vendor he knew. he follows the line of the adhigama grains today to the solid wood of kaveh's door. he knows it well. the top left corner is chipped from an uneven hinge that persisted until kaveh had unhinged the entire thing to level it; the dent near the handle from where kaveh had run into it with his drafting board two summers ago, when fervent idea met solid oak and, of course, won. alhaitham knows that it is a nightmare; the nearer he walks to the door, the quieter the house is. he imagines if he leaned in to the door, he could hear the sound of kaveh's heartbeat, quick, like that of a hunted deer's. in the night, he is the large, and slow-moving creature that kaveh hides from. he is curled with grief, and the night is long.
of course, alhaitham opens the door.
the open window casts the barest sliver of silverine moonlight. it illuminates the slanted angle of kaveh's drafting table, the various pieces of mismatched furniture he'd picked up from his juniors' discarded projects, the piles of drafting paper and the miniature models of past projects that, when cast in such a light, make up a whole skyline of a city unto themselves. it illuminates the foot of kaveh's bed, where trunks and boxes pile up one after another after successful desert projects, waiting to be unpacked or reused or dusted. it illuminates the bed, where kaveh and the named third person sits. just kaveh and grief, like two foxes in a den, licking one another's wounds. alhaitham doesn't bother announcing himself. his eyes adjust as he pads forward on certain steps, the darkness swallowing his path. he stops when his steps lead him to the foot of the bed.
the wind through the windows - the call of a nightbird, like silver starlight against the chime of a bell. alhaitham lets go of a breath he hadn't even realise he had been holding, and, with him, the house breathes: ]
Kaveh.
[ two syllables that make up an identity, a purpose. a word delivered like a command, an ask, a plea. alhaitham looks. of course he does.
gentler: ] Again?
slides in a month late to this beautiful wonderful tag while crying hHSGDFSAJKH
( Kaveh is a man who owes most of his life to great misfortunes - he would consider himself an unlucky man in every last regard. From his home life, to his career, and his present day living situation, he firmly believes that he pulled the smallest straw. To say that he struggles would be an understatement, for the blonde man can't help but turn to various unhealthy coping skills in order to pacify his pain, like the copious amount of alcohol that he drinks. But it's not enough. Nothing is enough - at times he relapses, and the nightmares kick in.
This would be one of those nights. As much as he has tried to push thoughts detailing his father's death out of his head, those thoughts sometimes creep in with great intrusion and he is helpless to stop them. Especially in the realm of sleep. Tonight he experienced another visual of his father sinking into the quicksand, while Kaveh screams and tries to reach pull him from it. But in the dream - a gravitational force would hold him back. His father would never look at him, he would never hear his face, but he would hear his screams. Right up until he completely submerges into the sand and Kaveh can do nothing but watch in horror.
This is how it must have been when he died. And these recurring dreams are certainly his guilt manifesting and taking form, since he's never had a dream where he's saved his father's life.
Kaveh woke up crying again, drenched in sweat, his nightclothes hanging off his shoulders while the soothing glow of the moon illuminates his skin and his blonde hair. His chest rises and falls with audible gasps leaving him, as he tries to recover from his panic attack. And then, breaking through his night terror, he hears a voice that pulls him back to reality - just for a moment. )
...
( The architect can't even look at him - he can't make eye contact, or move. He remains completely still, panting, gazing off into the distance with glassy red eyes. )
[ silence follows. alhaitham listens. he listens not for the sound of a rejoinder - not this late at night, not this deep into the nightmare. he listens, instead, for the sallow breathing of a young man with bated breath, for the steady thrum of a pulse known like the patter of uneven feet. he listens, instead, for the quality of the hush, as if by doing so, he would glean the state of a young man's mind. kaveh has always expended his energy through motion and sound. the house creaks with it, it bends to his will. but kaveh has nothing, when he runs on the emptiness that has hollowed him, the house, too, has nothing. alhaitham has known this for some time. alhaitham will continue to know.
but today, kaveh is awake. the stupor of nightmare clings to him like a night shroud. he is hiding, like a child in twain. alhaitham moves forward. the door slides to a close behind him with the click of a well-oiled latch. his bare feet take him across ice, wends past the neat piles of blueprints and the dark, looming expanse of an empty drafting table to kaveh's bedside. kaveh, too, is ice. alhaitham reaches down, and slides his fingers along the long, sharp length of kaveh's jaw.
his temperature is high. he is beaded with sweat. he is soaked in tears. he is kaveh; he cries when nobody is watching. alhaitham, who observes him, becomes nobody. ]
Listen to my pulse, and breathe.
[ there is no cure for panic, just as there is no cure for grief. but there is mending, and there is rectitude. there is a pulse, steady in the night, like the beating of the drums of war. alhaitham offers it, no more gift than it is a mere tool.
it will not be what kaveh wants; it will be what he needs. ]
( While the blonde man remains unmoving, he knows that Alhaitham is present - approaching. Each footstep creating an echo which resounds throughout the cold empty space of his bedroom, pulling him back to reality. A reality that is, unfortunately, just as painful as the nightmare he awoke from.
Still in his daze, he feels something - skin on skin contact - followed by the soothing sound of Alhaitham's voice. Kaveh takes a deep breath into his lungs, concentrating on the drum of his housemate's heartbeat. Thump. Thump. He's warm, present, and alive. The blonde man falls into silence, grounding himself, feeling his lower lash lines swelling with tears as he calms himself.
After a couple of minutes, his breath carries out a natural rhythm once again, physically demonstrating to the other man that his method has worked. At least ... it's pulled him out of his physical anguish. But how is he doing mentally? The crack in his voice should answer without him needing to use words. And then, in time, he does. )
Alhaitham, I ...
( Kaveh starts, a whimper breaking through his sentence, his tears falling free once he blinks. )
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being in pain.
( It's a soul-crushing confession. Kaveh implies that his sentence carries far more weight than a descriptor regarding his lack of sleep tonight. In every way possible, he's tired of existing. )
[ kaveh's breathing evens. the staccato of his pulse level. it will be some time he will be able to sleep again, if at all, alhaitham knows. it is not the only thing he knows. the desert, the accident, the interdarshan competition and the conclusion to a tragedy spanning decades. can tragedies truly conclude? one can objectively see the moment of closure typeset in black, a book bound shut once more with the red of a ribbon stained with blood. but therein lies the true tragedy: at the conclusion of a story, the loss still remains. kaveh still remains. a tear swells and drips along the curve of alhaitham's thumb. he allows it. slowly, their breathing sync. the night seems deeper for it.
the admission is unsurprising. the act of admission ought to be. but alhaitham, who has named the third person in the room, merely looks. exhaustion comes not from the body but from the mental faculties. the acuity of kaveh's thoughts tend to dull on nights like these, spiraling ever downwards into patent futility. you cannot argue with a feeling. you cannot shut off the valve of life. all you can do is wait for it to pass. waiting, when applied to alhaitham, has never been a passive term. his thumb skims the arc of kaveh's tear, along its salt-strewn line up to the corner of kaveh's eye.
of course, he says: ]
It has taken you some time to admit as much. [ an acknowledgement wrapped in the colours of bait, grace given without a need for return. what kaveh needs is not pity; not from alhaitham, who has never pitied him. what he needs is a distraction. alhaitham's head dips. ] And? What shall you do about it?
( Feeling his housemate's hand glide across his face prompts him into feeling more grounded. It's touch, it's comfort. The Scribe does not patronise or demean him when he has nights like this, which is more than what he can ask for. But still - Kaveh is a tender soul with a bleeding heart, rattled with uncertainty and an entire web of insecurities that he can't figure out. The anxiety makes him feel like he's submerged so far beneath water that his chest is fully compressed - like he can't take a breath.
Silence follows Alhaitham's question, until Kaveh answers at last, still fixed in his long stare. )
I don't know.
( The words are croaked out with a whimper as Kaveh squeezes his eyes with his thumb and finger, his lips wobbling and quivering - a squeaky sob soon to follow. )
I ache so much every day over my father ... even in my dreams, I cannot know peace. ( His voice quivers. ) I-I never see his face, just him - perishing, and I can't save him, I- ( It might surprise Alhaitham, or maybe it won't - but Kaveh turns to cling to him, burying his head in his neck, letting the dam break as he sobs. )
[ words don't quite fail so much as they are quietly put aside. that kaveh is the only one that torments himself. that the interdarshan competition has proven that kaveh has chosen peace. that responsibility ended the moment that the crown shattered. these are all objective facts. there are those who claim that alhaitham is a machine made of wire and metal, conduits and conductors. but alhaitham is a man. he is a man who bleeds when cut. he is a man who bruises when hurt. he is a man who burns when put to the torch. alhaitham has never been pure rationality made form. kaveh is the only one who knows. objectivity remains; alhaitham merely puts it aside. there is a time and place for debate on the subject of morality and ethical responsibility. that is a need. this, for kaveh, is a want.
therefore, alhaitham allows it. kaveh surges up, and alhaitham permits the press of his face into the crook of his neck. the angle is awkward. so he lowers himself, one knee, and then two, pressed into cold of the floor, allowing kaveh just enough horizontal space to reach. one hand leans into the bed to stabilise what has become two creatures of tendons and muscle, veins and arteries pressed into parallel lines - and one hand stabilises the soul, pressed into the cool hollow of kaveh's back like a heated brand.
kaveh cries. alhaitham lets him do so. the hum he makes is non-committal, less a sound of judgment and more an indication that he is listening. that alhaitham continues to listen. of course he does. ]
Kaveh was a strange tour guide as Caelus and the other two started off their mission in Sumeru, but Caelus has no issue with giving him his mobile number (also, I guess, giving Kaveh a device he could text with.) Still, he’s grateful this near stranger was willing to get him out of an awkward situation— even if Caelus would admit to actually liking some aspects about it when asked.
He’s standing outside the inn that he, Dan and March had been staying in.. but he supposes he should.. probably give them some of their space. By the time the blonde greets him, he’s playing a game on his phone and almost doesn’t notice him right away, but soon enough, his head lifts. ]
Oh.
[ So generously offered? Caelus isn’t sure he’s ever gotten drunk before and he can’t really remember the taste of alcohol, even. But.. he’s not going to let Kaveh know that. ]
I wouldn't say it's my favourite thing to do, but it's certainly high up there.
( Kaveh holds the door open so that Caelus may enter the tavern before him. As both men step inside, the tavern owner greets Kaveh by name - which implies that he's a regular. (He certainly was considering the fact that he lived here while homeless.) After leaning over the bar, he orders their drinks. )
The house wine please, my good man.
( Once they're seated and have a glass each, the architect resumes conversing his new friend after a generous sip. )
Sorry to hear that the night didn't go so well for you. That is quite unfortunate. I'd be happy to pay for you to stay a night in this tavern, if you might be feeling a little bit too awkward to go back.
[ Kaveh may have some smooth moves, leaning on the bar like that, but Caelus just kind of perches himself awkwardly at the bar on a stool 🧍 .... no idea how to be smooth whatsoever...
His eyebrows arch up at the generous offer. He's not sure what has put this guy in a giving mood. Maybe that's just how he is? Maybe he's lonely? ]
That's alright. They've known each other longer, I'm just kind of here.
[ THAT'S REALLY JUST HOW HE IS.. He eyeballs the glass, realizing that.. in his memory, he's never really had alcohol before.. if he has, he can't remember the taste or the effects it has on him, but.. it's the cool thing to do— to drink. So he's going to take a gentle sip. ]
( Two of those answers are correct! This is just how he is, and he's lonely! Anyway, Kaveh chokes a little on his wine and splutters at the accusation. )
I-I-! Well, I ... certainly wouldn't mind some company tonight! ( Definitely lonely. )
It's just a win-win, isn't it? You leave your friends to their business! And I ... get to have company!
[ … That’s certainly an answer. Caelus’ golden eyes travel up and down Kaveh for a moment. He’s certainly very cute— pretty eyes and hair. For a moment, Caelus wonders what the rest of him looks like. How do the people of Teyvat show intimacy? It’s kind of silly, though. He has next to nothing kind of experience.
Maybe someone less awkward would slide their chin swiftly on the back of their hand and give Kaveh bedroom eyes, but we know Caelus has zero grace whatsoever.
He puts his cheek in his hand but makes direct eye contact. ]
Yeah? Beg me to stay.
[ flying by life by the seat of his pants is what he does best so yolo ]
Beg you?!( Kaveh scoffs - but is he blushing? He's absolutely blushing. Partly from embarrassment and also because ... well, it's easy to get a pretty colourful imagination with a statement like that. )
...
( The blonde man's eyes drift away, but then he returns his focus to the grey haired man situated in front of him - christ, he has no shame, does he? His stance ... how he's cushioning his head in his hand, and the way that he's looking Kaveh directly in the eyes ... Such boldness. Such confidence.
He likes it. )
U-Um ... ( He swallows so thickly that it causes his adam's apple to bob. Time to utilise his thick mascara and full eyelashes by fluttering them, tilting his head with a soft pleading look as if he were a labrador puppy. ) Won't you ... please consider staying? ( But what can he add to this ... )Pretty please?( And also maybe a little bit of-- ) I promise I'll make it worth your while.
( it is laughable how easy it was for Kaveh to agree to this. it's no wonder he gets scammed into buying dozens of keychains for charity!!!!! )
[ Woah. Caelus doesn’t know what he did to merit this kind of response— he was materialized with a dry sense of humor and maybe he was just messing with Kaveh a little, but.. he hadn’t expected the other man to reply like this.
Ummm. He can’t very well be like, “dude I was just messing with you.” But the real question is.. does he just keep rolling with this or does he actually say something to bring it to an end?
Honestly, Caelus is a reckless dude with no past he can remember. He seriously was just born and instantly thrown into hijinks.
He leans in slightly, his voice lowering: ]
Preferably on your knees.
[ hahaha god.. but now that he’s thinking of it, does he really want to bang this guy? What are the consequences?
Who cares. Sure, why not. Does Caelus know what to do in a sexual situation? Sure, but he lacks experience. Does that intimidate him? Maybe a little.. but also, again, who cares. ]
( HOW IS THIS GUY OWNING HIM SO BADLY-- (because you're a pathetic and impressionable man, kaveh) )
!!!
( "Preferably on your knees"?! At least it's reassuring to know that he wasn't the only one having his thoughts dive south over the request to beg. But also: Wow.)
Y-You're ... really quite riled up tonight, aren't you?
( Caelus did narrowly miss a threesome. Kaveh can't blame him in that regard. And again, he swallows, passing a couple of glances over his shoulders to ensure that no one is listening in. Can't have all of Sumeru know that the Light of the Kshahrewar is a giant ho. Although lbr, they probably know that anyway. )
Yes. Let's. ( He says quite urgently - which implies enthusiasm, but it also comes from a place of him ready to burn to a crisp from embarrassment if he hears any more public teasing like that. Kaveh really does make it so easy for himself.
The blonde man pays for their bar tab, and receives a room key from the tavern owner, who then winks at him. Ugh. All right, maybe he's been a lot less subtle about this than he imagined. But they're almost at the room ... and once he steps through that door, he vows to stop worrying. )
[ The real truth: he has no idea what's going on. Ever. But now he's being escorted by a flirty, cute blonde and Caelus is beginning to realize there isn't any backing out of this. Is he a virgin? Yep, sure is. Does he care his first time is going to be with Kaveh and not someone that he cares about? Nope. Doesn't really care at all. He goes where the wind takes him.
The door shuts behind him once they get to the room and he's feeling a little nervous too, but it's time to deflect that feeling by putting his attention on Kaveh. ]
Dude. You're super nervous. Here..
[ Gently, he takes the other man by both of his wrists and rubs his thumbs into them. Caelus offers him a small smile. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@grasps
( The things a man will do for hummus ... he's definitely spent the past hour or so questioning whether his craving is worth this incoming humiliation. What the hell was he thinking? Ugh. At any moment, his housemate will walk through that door. He's felt a lot of recent shame in his life and this definitely adds to the pile. )
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[ said roommate comes back late in the afternoon. he's pretty leisurely when he takes the time to grocery shop, and this time is no exception. obviously kaveh is dreading this exchange while waiting at home. if he can string out the dread a little longer and make him pay for wasting his time with endless hummus texts, it's all worth the effort.
so, yeah. soon the front door lock is jostling and he walks inside with a heavy paper bag. somewhere in that bag is kaveh's offending little jar.
he's not about to announce himself, so he just busies himself with dropping off his keys at the nearest tabletop and shrugging off his coats. ]
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( And there he is. Right on schedule. Kaveh is feeling ... quite strange! After hearing Alhaitham walk in! Which is probably to be expected. His text message was an embarrassing blunder, and now he's trapped in a situation he can't worm his way out of. The reward will be worth it, he supposes ... far better they get it over with sooner rather than later. The blonde man sighs audibly, uncrossing his legs where he is sitting on one of the green chairs in their shared lounge. )
If you're going to make me live out one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, then let's just get on with it, all right?
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[ kaveh had plenty of outs. alhaitham badgered and berated him, left him ample time to text him again and change his mind altogether. kaveh getting up and finding hummus on his own was the path of least resistance, and it wouldn't eat into alhaitham's schedule, patience, or dwindling energy reserves. they could both be spared the headache.
that isn't what happened. and, not to go back on his word, alhaitham is here with the hummus in hand. along his way home, alhaitham carried vague imaginings of what would happen after he stepped through his front door. maybe kaveh would actually say it, albeit through gritted teeth and with abysmally low enthusiasm. most likely kaveh would argue that begging is less humiliating than the alternative.
alhaitham won't let himself imagine a one possible outcome of this. the idea is an abstraction, more nebulous and clouded and impossible than the rest. it flashes through his vision in a small rush of cold, but alhaitham doesn't entertain it any longer than that.
anyway. he stalks into the lounge towards kaveh, a coy smile spreading on his mouth. he raises the bag hanging from his fist as if to prove that he's brought it. ]
You could've said no.
[ he just wouldn't be getting hummus rn. ]
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( The call of hummus is strong. Besides, when working from home, there's nothing quite like chasing the fun of distractions while taking a break. Even though it involved a lot of humiliation, Kaveh can't deny that their text conversation was actually quite entertaining. Oftentimes they argue about their respective fields of interest or Alhaitham's taste in furniture, but spending the entire afternoon texting about hummus felt rather fun somehow.
In any case, the blonde man sighs again, contemplating why this has him worked up into such a frenzy. They're usually at each other's throats, and yet ... maybe part of him truly believes Alhaitham is his favourite. Unpacking them may be quite intimidating. )
Let's not waste any more time. Come here. ( Don't make him repeat himself, Alhaitham. Please. )
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enjoyableaffabledecent, the time alhaitham sank into this conversation could have been used for something else.(that's what he tells himself, anyway. no matter what, he may get one thing from their conversation that would make it all worthwhile.)
so, like a bastard, he walks himself to the kitchen. ]
I have produce. You can stand to wait ten minutes.
[ its not like either of them are cryo users!! produce needs to be packed in a box of ice i guess. they've probably invented something like refrigerators. maybe. ]
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Ugh, fine. ( See if he cares! (He cares a lot.) Kaveh will just recline and stare at the ceiling with both arms crossed until Alhaitham decides to join him. )
You better prove to me that you bought the kind I like before we progress.
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[ let's not talk about how he knew that. haitham just sets away the produce and walks back into the living room.
he has the jar of hummus in one hand. the other is hanging at his side and holding a bag of fresh, warm pitas cut into triangles. ]
All right. Go ahead.
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You knew...? ( Not to mention, he can smell those warm pitas ... and the doughy, savoury aroma causes Kaveh's stomach to rumble. Whoops, how embarrassing. Has this stubborn fool really gone so long without eating today? That would be a yes. In any case, it looks like this man is in need of his payment. The blonde man collects himself with a breath, then gazes up at Alhaitham like a devout follower of his. )
Alhaitham ...
You're my favourite. ( Would that suffice....?????? )
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thank god he's wearing his earpieces. his ears feel hot. this is so many things at once. bizarre, over-the-top, embarrassing, mildly satisfying yet unpleasant. alhaitham wrinkles his nose a bit. kaveh really would do anything for hummus. this just doesn't feel right. ]
Try again.
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( Oh boy, here it comes. )
What could be more heartfelt and sincere than that?! I'm not some circus monkey here to perform tricks for you!
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[ he looks totally unfazed by the outrage. his stomach is slowly twisting. some part of him is unfairly, illogically reaching for kaveh's sincerity, even if he knows he'll never get it.
once more. then he'll give it to kaveh, sincere or not, and be done with it. there's no point in drawing this out when he won't get what he wants. ]
You get one more try.
1/2
B-But then that's an entire tub of hummus going to waste! You can't threaten me with something like that! ( One possibility that Kaveh isn't taking into account: Alhaitham claiming the hummus for himself. But, ugh ... he's really going to have to suffer through humiliation for this, isn't he? (If he wasn't such an easily lead man, perhaps he would be able to resist taking the bait ... but alas!) )
2/2
( There's a determined glint that flashes in his ruby eyes when Kaveh steps up off the green seat that he was perched on, before he walks across the room to confront his housemate. This ... really doesn't seem as easy as he expected, now that he's staring directly at Alhaitham. How could anything be better than the performance he gave prior to this? Should he actually sink down to his knees and grovel, or deliver some kind of heartfelt dialogue? )
... ( He better make up his mind soon before this pause turns awkward. )
Alhaitham. You ... really are my favourite. ( It seems that grovelling is off the table, so heartfelt dialogue it is. ) Despite our past grievances, you took me in when I had nowhere else to go. You've been a constant presence in my life for many years, and one that I didn't know I needed until you came back to me. We don't see eye to eye on every matter, but the conflict of our interests and opinions means that no day is ever boring when I'm with you. Your ability to record language and history captivates me, as does your commitment to intelligence and academia, since those areas are my own shortcomings as someone with a creative mind. I never want to lose sight of how much you mean to me ever again. We're apart from our families, we only have each other, and I hope your presence stays in my life for as long as possible.
( ...
Okay, that was a lot sappier than he intended-- so much that his cheeks are pink. )
1/2 feel free to drop this!
where he had been indifferent when kaveh strode up to him, alhaitham looks like he's been slapped. the larger part of him expected kaveh to make a break for the jar or continue arguing enough that alhaitham would lose motivation. maybe kaveh would even get on his knees, since he seems to be bold and shameless when it comes to his afternoon snacks. alhaitham is not expecting the sincerity in the least. when kaveh finishes, alhaitham just stares back with his brows lifted, unable to turn his gaze away.
I never want to lose sight of how much you mean to me ever again is stays with him. he wants to attribute it to nothing, scale it down to just another phrase in his monologue, but his mind writes it in gold in his memory, replays every stream of breath and click of teeth and rolling syllable of it over and over. more than calling alhaitham his favorite, or even pointing out his talents, kaveh is saying that he needs and wants him in his life for as long as he possibly can.
kaveh decides to say all of this now. over the stupidest deal known to man. he's even blushing. ]
2/2
it's hot under his earpieces. he lets his gaze slide off to a corner of the room, trying to forget the hard pink in kaveh's cheeks. he brings up the jar in front of him in offering. ]
You didn't have to go that far.
GRIPS THIS THREAD TIGHTLY!!!
Yes, well, that's just how it happened. ( And honestly? He's so surprised that Alhaitham didn't tease him for it. )
😔💗
the reason why alhaitham doesn't tease him (as he's normally wont to do) is because kaveh surprised him too. he said exactly what alhaitham's heart wanted to hear—short of a few certain words that he will never ever voice—and now alhaitham has the weight of kaveh's words in his mind, unsure of what to do with them.
alhaitham isn't one to blush—a combination of general indifference and genetic blessings. his ears take the brunt of his emotions, and thankfully those are hidden away. he forces himself to look at kaveh sidelong, head tilted towards the corner of the room, and he's quiet for almost a moment too long before he finally says: ]
Then again, I should have expected the over-embellishment.
[ he takes a step backward, turning halfway towards the kitchen. they're obviously done here. ]
If I didn't know any better, I would almost think that you meant all of what you said. Enjoy your prize.
YELLS OVER THIS THREAD AGAIN JKHAFFHjfgjh THE PIPELINE OF HUMMUS TEXTING TO INTENSE EMOTIONS
( There's just no end to the mysteries of the Akademiya's Scribe. Even though Kaveh can certainly feel his insides knotting with anxiety and doubt over whether or not it was foolish of him to go overboard, Alhaitham's last statement manages to interrupt these feelings. He can't stop himself from vocally declaring his protest, either. )
What do you mean, you "almost think I meant it"?
( The blonde man's brow creases as he steps forward. )
You thought I was just talking nonsense? Is that what you believe? ( Kaveh doesn't understand why he's being so defensive over this. But when can he ever make sense of how Alhaitham makes him feel? ) Do you really think I'm the type of man to play with someone's emotions like that?
they're so fucking embarrassing
[ alhaitham is as stoic as ever, but kaveh's reprimands make his heart rise into his throat. even if all of what kaveh repeated to him had been true to some degree, if he did finally recognize how he needs alhaitham, how does he hold that information? what's alhaitham's next move, knowing that his own feelings for kaveh might be understood and reciprocated?
he sets the bag of cut pita down onto the table beside them and crosses his arms. at least he turns to face kaveh again rather than walking back out towards the kitchen. ]
I've repeated myself ad nauseam by this point. You were surprisingly willing to put your dignity on the chopping block for the sake of food—something you could have gotten yourself. I wouldn't put it past you to use a seemingly more sincere tactic after exhausting all other options.
I HATE THEM SJHDAKHKJFHFFKJHKSJHDKJHF
( Surely, Alhaitham can't deny that ... Kaveh will grovel and act like a fool, but he'd never run his mouth and sing his praises about someone in an effort to be deceptive. He's far too gentle hearted for such an endeavour. Even when it's Alhaitham.
Especially when it's Alhaitham.He folds his arms. It's funny - he doesn't even look at the food despite how much he begged for it. His priorities are elsewhere. )
Whether it was a "tactic" or not doesn't change the fact that it wasn't untrue. But, never mind! If you'd rather twist my heartfelt compliments into something else, then be my guest. I know my own reality and don't need it contorted to fit your agenda.
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his mind supplies a response immediately: do you honestly believe that everything you told me was a "compliment?" you told me that you needed me. alhaitham bites it back and raises his arm to gesture as he speaks. ]
When compliments are freely given, the sincerity behind those words gets watered down as they're repeated. As someone so governed by their propensity to appease others, you should at least be aware of that. Regardless, I could pick apart several points in your appeal that I find questionable, the long short of it being that you can't possibly need or find enjoyment in living with someone that you clearly, vocally disdain.
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( HONESTLY, THE MOST HAIKAVEH BEHAVIOUR OF ALL TIME ... A PATHETIC ARGUMENT OVER COMPLIMENTS ... )
You're more than welcome to pick apart my appeal! But don't expect me to listen! ( This may be awakening his hunger. He's eyeing up those pitas. But, also, ) Besides! When did I ever say that I feel disdain towards you?
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[ paimon had once brought up the fact after confronting him about the nature of their odd, strained relationship. ]
And I'm talking about your excessive compliments towards all others, not just me. Don't you think that dampens the sincerity of those extended to one given person?
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( Kaveh recollects this conversation for a moment and shakes his head, huffing out an annoyed sigh. )
Hmf. Well. Sometimes I say things I don't mean. I was in a very dour mood that day. Don't read too far into it. Besides, you should trust the source far more than the messenger. If I'm telling you I don't hate you, I'd expect you to believe me, no matter what I might say in private when I'm feeling slightly heated.
... And no. I don't, actually. I think I can spread compliments far and wide, and the sincerity doesn't fall short no matter the quantity.
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despite himself, alhaitham knows that what kaveh had said was genuine. it's alhaitham who's attempting to water down those sentiments, like he could stifle the hope and heart-wrenching feelings that they invoke. kaveh's heart is as soft as cotton, giving way in the hands of so many other people. alhaitham won't lay claim to it. ]
If that is how you feel then so be it, but you should also understand that others may not feel the same.
[ he lets that sink in for a moment, but kaveh will notice that alhaitham slides his gaze elsewhere and lifts his finger to his mouth, contemplating something. once he strings his words together, his eyes flicker back up. ]
For all of your tantrums and indignant responses to my criticisms, you consider me essential to your life. Is that right?
[ he's teasing a little, but he also needs to hear it again. ]
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Yes, of course I do ... ( he trails off, implying some hesitance - further emphasised by an uncomfortable groan. ) It's just ... mmm. ( sigh. ) ... Now I'm really thinking back to when I spoke to the Traveller and Paimon. And ... I really was in a whole other mood when talking to them.
( he could stop talking here, he could end this, and eat his food just like he's been wanting to all day. but ... he keeps going. )
I was rushing around all morning, slightly manic. Um, packing, if you remember that. How I boxed up some of my belongings ... adamant I'd get out of here. Out of your hair.
It's ... it's not you I have any sort of disdain for. Or even living with you, as a concept. The problem is just ... ( another deep sigh. ) Me. I'm the problem. I hate feeling like a huge burden in your life. I'm this washed-up failure of a human being and the guilt overwhelms me at times. The prospect of winning and moving out really carried away my ambition, because then I'd be out of your hair, and you'd never have to deal with me ever again. I wouldn't be bothering you any more. So ... I don't hate you. You're essential to my life. But I just ... hate myself.
( ah, sweet Kaveh. he's gone and let some of his vulnerabilities leak. )
Jealousy
[ He'd always known that Kaveh could turn heads without even trying, and he's loath to ever admit it but as a young student who'd always had his head buried in a book, even his head had lifted the first time he'd seen Kaveh. That's just how easily he grabbed attention. ]
[ Kaveh was captivating to look at, something Alhaitham had only more recently admitted to himself, and he'd only become moreso with time. This in itself wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that other people appeared to have the same level of appreciation for Kaveh has Alhaitham did. ]
[ Like tonight. He and Kaveh were out for drinks, and he'd caught no less than four people staring in their direction. Kaveh's specifically and while he's not saying anything about it to Kaveh, he is quite busy sending pointed stares at those patrons. ]
[ Perhaps it wasn't obvious enough that they were out together... ]
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Well, it seems that some travelling mercenary types in the tavern haven't quite taken the hint that Kaveh is an unavailable man. Despite how much he leans into his partner and shares his space, it seems that every possible opportunity is taken for these men to cast their eyes down the slope of his back. It's as if Kaveh can feel their gaze burning directly into the ventilation window on his silken white shirt. The blonde unfurls an embarrassed sigh, leaning into Alhaitham, voice drawn out in a hushed whisper. )
They keep staring at me. It seems we picked a bad night to come out ...
( But isn't this an all too common encounter for them? Most definitely. Kaveh is often oblivious to being such a beacon of light, drawing others in with his natural charm and charisma in addition to his looks. It's flattering to be checked out so brazenly, but it's also a little bit embarrassing. Because he is now spoken for, it stirs quite an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. He gives Alhaitham a squeeze on the arm. )
Perhaps we ought to call it an early night once we finish this round of drinks. ( Reaching for his glass of wine, he takes a hearty sip. ) Mm. It's not all that nice to be stared down like I'm a prey animal ... I mean, apart from if you would ever do it, of course. ( He jests. )
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[ It's stated like simple fact; it was fact for Alhaitham and one that he now has little problem saying to the other man. He lets his hand rest over Kaveh's in turn, gaze flickering briefly and sharply toward the nearest set of eyes he knows still linger on Kaveh. The flinch he receives in return is satisfying, but not enough. It's not nearly enough when he knows those eyes will just flicker back when Alhaitham looks away. ]
I'll close our tab then.
[ He gets up then, letting that hand over Kaveh's trail up his arm, slow and deliberate as he leans over to whisper into the other man's ear. ]
I wouldn't just stare you down, Kaveh. I'd devour you.
[ With that, he moves away to the bar, hailing down the barkeep so he can take care of their tab. He's sure that no one will approach the other man while he's gone, but it bothers him all the same to leave Kaveh alone when he's feeling uncomfortable. ]
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When his partner leaves to get their tab, Kaveh is left all alone. At first he thinks nothing of it - until two men descend on him like vultures on a meal. It catches him off guard, and suddenly Kaveh remembers Alhaitham saying that he would devour him. Apparently, he's not the only man in Sumeru who feels that way.
The blonde architect is charismatic and talkative. Everyone knows that, which is why it's difficult for him to shoo the men away at the start. He's a polite man, being assertive isn't his strongest suit. One of the men brazenly leans in to comb one of his golden locks of hair through his fingers. At this point, Kaveh stands up out of his seat and politely excuses himself. He can feel their gazes fixed on his ass when he walks away, finding his partner and nestling in by his side. )
I think we better make a move ... I don't know if you saw, but some creeps were trying to solicit me. ( It's nauseating, really. No Mora in the world would be worth that. )
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[ His eyes meet the barkeep's evenly, who looks relieved to see that a fight isn't about to break out, before turning his attention over to Kaveh. ]
I saw. We're done here so we can leave.
[ But of course he can't leave it at that. Alhaitham's eyes flicker toward the men once more, waiting for the moment they look toward him with daggers in their eyes before raising his hand under Kaveh's chin. His touch his gentle, coaxing the architect forward and leading him right into his arms with a heated kiss that claims him. That leaves no question as to who Kaveh would be going home with tonight. ]
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Wow. )
R-Right, let's go ...
( It's not often that the chatty blonde man is lost for words, but it was such an unexpected move that he couldn't help himself. As they leave the tavern, Kaveh glances at the other man, feeling foggy from the alcohol with a bright pink blush dusting his cheeks. )
What was that all about? I've never seen you get fired up in that way before.
hurt/comfort - nightmares
though that in itself is an imprecise description. the haravatat exist in the realm of phonemes and etymons, of dissecting words down to their very base components, to be taken apart, and analysed, and reassembled into meaning. imprecision is an imposition on language. alhaitham should know better. waking is a solo effort. with precision: alhaitham rouses. he rouses to the knowledge that there is a third person beneath the eaves of his roof. the night is still. the nightbirds sing. the stiffness of his limbs and the sleep-fog of his mind indicate to alhaitham that he has but two or three hours to go before the day's cycle begins anew. one cannot look to the cycle of the day without first breaking the cycle of night, and this one, alhaitham knows well. he feels the third person's presence in the stock-still of the air, the coolness of night's touch, the house's bated breath as if waiting for the passing of a predatory storm. he feels it, and knows it, and because he is alhaitham, he names it. only by giving name to the unknown can you hold power over its existence. the third person's name is grief.
in truth, kaveh's secrets tend to be open secrets. he is bankrupt. he lives with alhaitham. he has a penchant for alcohol and his heart has a penchant to bleed. the message boards of sumeru city is dotted with the cursive of his thoughts on paper for the world to see - an open secret made form and memory. but the biggest open secret is one that alhaitham keeps. kaveh is kept company by the third person in this house. beneath the eaves, grief has made its home. it goes like this: a stressful deadline, a past-due payment, the twisting of a rose-stem or the fall of a single flower's petal. it goes like this: a child laughs, the food grows cold, alhaitham returns home from the desert three days past his notice. it goes like this: kaveh sleeps, and he rouses, and the nightmare lingers. alhaitham, who owns this house, has learned its rhythm. he has categorised the timber of its silences and made definition out of its darkness. when kaveh lives with his nightmare, he holds his breath, as if waiting for something large, toothed and slow-moving in the night to pass him by. and with it, the house holds its breath, and with the house, alhaitham too.
the floor of his room is ice. alhaitham traverses it barefoot as he makes his way down the hall to his guest room. the floorboards nominally creak beneath his weight. kaveh had taken hammer and pliers to the boards one summer, citing how alhaitham has neglected renovations long enough, and had replaced the previous squeak and creak of cheap plywood for the dark and solid adhigama he'd sourced from a vendor he knew. he follows the line of the adhigama grains today to the solid wood of kaveh's door. he knows it well. the top left corner is chipped from an uneven hinge that persisted until kaveh had unhinged the entire thing to level it; the dent near the handle from where kaveh had run into it with his drafting board two summers ago, when fervent idea met solid oak and, of course, won. alhaitham knows that it is a nightmare; the nearer he walks to the door, the quieter the house is. he imagines if he leaned in to the door, he could hear the sound of kaveh's heartbeat, quick, like that of a hunted deer's. in the night, he is the large, and slow-moving creature that kaveh hides from. he is curled with grief, and the night is long.
of course, alhaitham opens the door.
the open window casts the barest sliver of silverine moonlight. it illuminates the slanted angle of kaveh's drafting table, the various pieces of mismatched furniture he'd picked up from his juniors' discarded projects, the piles of drafting paper and the miniature models of past projects that, when cast in such a light, make up a whole skyline of a city unto themselves. it illuminates the foot of kaveh's bed, where trunks and boxes pile up one after another after successful desert projects, waiting to be unpacked or reused or dusted. it illuminates the bed, where kaveh and the named third person sits. just kaveh and grief, like two foxes in a den, licking one another's wounds. alhaitham doesn't bother announcing himself. his eyes adjust as he pads forward on certain steps, the darkness swallowing his path. he stops when his steps lead him to the foot of the bed.
the wind through the windows - the call of a nightbird, like silver starlight against the chime of a bell. alhaitham lets go of a breath he hadn't even realise he had been holding, and, with him, the house breathes: ]
Kaveh.
[ two syllables that make up an identity, a purpose. a word delivered like a command, an ask, a plea. alhaitham looks. of course he does.
gentler: ] Again?
slides in a month late to this beautiful wonderful tag while crying hHSGDFSAJKH
This would be one of those nights. As much as he has tried to push thoughts detailing his father's death out of his head, those thoughts sometimes creep in with great intrusion and he is helpless to stop them. Especially in the realm of sleep. Tonight he experienced another visual of his father sinking into the quicksand, while Kaveh screams and tries to reach pull him from it. But in the dream - a gravitational force would hold him back. His father would never look at him, he would never hear his face, but he would hear his screams. Right up until he completely submerges into the sand and Kaveh can do nothing but watch in horror.
This is how it must have been when he died. And these recurring dreams are certainly his guilt manifesting and taking form, since he's never had a dream where he's saved his father's life.
Kaveh woke up crying again, drenched in sweat, his nightclothes hanging off his shoulders while the soothing glow of the moon illuminates his skin and his blonde hair. His chest rises and falls with audible gasps leaving him, as he tries to recover from his panic attack. And then, breaking through his night terror, he hears a voice that pulls him back to reality - just for a moment. )
...
( The architect can't even look at him - he can't make eye contact, or move. He remains completely still, panting, gazing off into the distance with glassy red eyes. )
✨
but today, kaveh is awake. the stupor of nightmare clings to him like a night shroud. he is hiding, like a child in twain. alhaitham moves forward. the door slides to a close behind him with the click of a well-oiled latch. his bare feet take him across ice, wends past the neat piles of blueprints and the dark, looming expanse of an empty drafting table to kaveh's bedside. kaveh, too, is ice. alhaitham reaches down, and slides his fingers along the long, sharp length of kaveh's jaw.
his temperature is high. he is beaded with sweat. he is soaked in tears. he is kaveh; he cries when nobody is watching. alhaitham, who observes him, becomes nobody. ]
Listen to my pulse, and breathe.
[ there is no cure for panic, just as there is no cure for grief. but there is mending, and there is rectitude. there is a pulse, steady in the night, like the beating of the drums of war. alhaitham offers it, no more gift than it is a mere tool.
it will not be what kaveh wants; it will be what he needs. ]
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Still in his daze, he feels something - skin on skin contact - followed by the soothing sound of Alhaitham's voice. Kaveh takes a deep breath into his lungs, concentrating on the drum of his housemate's heartbeat. Thump. Thump. He's warm, present, and alive. The blonde man falls into silence, grounding himself, feeling his lower lash lines swelling with tears as he calms himself.
After a couple of minutes, his breath carries out a natural rhythm once again, physically demonstrating to the other man that his method has worked. At least ... it's pulled him out of his physical anguish. But how is he doing mentally? The crack in his voice should answer without him needing to use words. And then, in time, he does. )
Alhaitham, I ...
( Kaveh starts, a whimper breaking through his sentence, his tears falling free once he blinks. )
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being in pain.
( It's a soul-crushing confession. Kaveh implies that his sentence carries far more weight than a descriptor regarding his lack of sleep tonight. In every way possible, he's tired of existing. )
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the admission is unsurprising. the act of admission ought to be. but alhaitham, who has named the third person in the room, merely looks. exhaustion comes not from the body but from the mental faculties. the acuity of kaveh's thoughts tend to dull on nights like these, spiraling ever downwards into patent futility. you cannot argue with a feeling. you cannot shut off the valve of life. all you can do is wait for it to pass. waiting, when applied to alhaitham, has never been a passive term. his thumb skims the arc of kaveh's tear, along its salt-strewn line up to the corner of kaveh's eye.
of course, he says: ]
It has taken you some time to admit as much. [ an acknowledgement wrapped in the colours of bait, grace given without a need for return. what kaveh needs is not pity; not from alhaitham, who has never pitied him. what he needs is a distraction. alhaitham's head dips. ] And? What shall you do about it?
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Silence follows Alhaitham's question, until Kaveh answers at last, still fixed in his long stare. )
I don't know.
( The words are croaked out with a whimper as Kaveh squeezes his eyes with his thumb and finger, his lips wobbling and quivering - a squeaky sob soon to follow. )
I ache so much every day over my father ... even in my dreams, I cannot know peace. ( His voice quivers. ) I-I never see his face, just him - perishing, and I can't save him, I- ( It might surprise Alhaitham, or maybe it won't - but Kaveh turns to cling to him, burying his head in his neck, letting the dam break as he sobs. )
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therefore, alhaitham allows it. kaveh surges up, and alhaitham permits the press of his face into the crook of his neck. the angle is awkward. so he lowers himself, one knee, and then two, pressed into cold of the floor, allowing kaveh just enough horizontal space to reach. one hand leans into the bed to stabilise what has become two creatures of tendons and muscle, veins and arteries pressed into parallel lines - and one hand stabilises the soul, pressed into the cool hollow of kaveh's back like a heated brand.
kaveh cries. alhaitham lets him do so. the hum he makes is non-committal, less a sound of judgment and more an indication that he is listening. that alhaitham continues to listen. of course he does. ]
You were not there, Kaveh.
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Kaveh was a strange tour guide as Caelus and the other two started off their mission in Sumeru, but Caelus has no issue with giving him his mobile number (also, I guess, giving Kaveh a device he could text with.) Still, he’s grateful this near stranger was willing to get him out of an awkward situation— even if Caelus would admit to actually liking some aspects about it when asked.
He’s standing outside the inn that he, Dan and March had been staying in.. but he supposes he should.. probably give them some of their space. By the time the blonde greets him, he’s playing a game on his phone and almost doesn’t notice him right away, but soon enough, his head lifts. ]
Oh.
[ So generously offered? Caelus isn’t sure he’s ever gotten drunk before and he can’t really remember the taste of alcohol, even. But.. he’s not going to let Kaveh know that. ]
Is drinking your favorite thing to do?
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( Kaveh holds the door open so that Caelus may enter the tavern before him. As both men step inside, the tavern owner greets Kaveh by name - which implies that he's a regular. (He certainly was considering the fact that he lived here while homeless.) After leaning over the bar, he orders their drinks. )
The house wine please, my good man.
( Once they're seated and have a glass each, the architect resumes conversing his new friend after a generous sip. )
Sorry to hear that the night didn't go so well for you. That is quite unfortunate. I'd be happy to pay for you to stay a night in this tavern, if you might be feeling a little bit too awkward to go back.
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His eyebrows arch up at the generous offer. He's not sure what has put this guy in a giving mood. Maybe that's just how he is? Maybe he's lonely? ]
That's alright. They've known each other longer, I'm just kind of here.
[ THAT'S REALLY JUST HOW HE IS..
He eyeballs the glass, realizing that.. in his memory, he's never really had alcohol before.. if he has, he can't remember the taste or the effects it has on him, but.. it's the cool thing to do— to drink. So he's going to take a gentle sip. ]
You sound like you don't want me to go.
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I-I-! Well, I ... certainly wouldn't mind some company tonight! ( Definitely lonely. )
It's just a win-win, isn't it? You leave your friends to their business! And I ... get to have company!
( God, he's pathetic. )
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Maybe someone less awkward would slide their chin swiftly on the back of their hand and give Kaveh bedroom eyes, but we know Caelus has zero grace whatsoever.
He puts his cheek in his hand but makes direct eye contact. ]
Yeah?
Beg me to stay.
[ flying by life by the seat of his pants is what he does best so yolo ]
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Beg you?! ( Kaveh scoffs - but is he blushing? He's absolutely blushing. Partly from embarrassment and also because ... well, it's easy to get a pretty colourful imagination with a statement like that. )
...
( The blonde man's eyes drift away, but then he returns his focus to the grey haired man situated in front of him - christ, he has no shame, does he? His stance ... how he's cushioning his head in his hand, and the way that he's looking Kaveh directly in the eyes ... Such boldness. Such confidence.
He likes it. )
U-Um ... ( He swallows so thickly that it causes his adam's apple to bob. Time to utilise his thick mascara and full eyelashes by fluttering them, tilting his head with a soft pleading look as if he were a labrador puppy. ) Won't you ... please consider staying? ( But what can he add to this ... ) Pretty please? ( And also maybe a little bit of-- ) I promise I'll make it worth your while.
( it is laughable how easy it was for Kaveh to agree to this. it's no wonder he gets scammed into buying dozens of keychains for charity!!!!! )
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Ummm. He can’t very well be like, “dude I was just messing with you.” But the real question is.. does he just keep rolling with this or does he actually say something to bring it to an end?
Honestly, Caelus is a reckless dude with no past he can remember. He seriously was just born and instantly thrown into hijinks.
He leans in slightly, his voice lowering: ]
Preferably on your knees.
[ hahaha god..
but now that he’s thinking of it, does he really want to bang this guy? What are the consequences?
Who cares. Sure, why not. Does Caelus know what to do in a sexual situation? Sure, but he lacks experience. Does that intimidate him? Maybe a little.. but also, again, who cares. ]
Wanna talk somewhere privately?
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!!!
( "Preferably on your knees"?! At least it's reassuring to know that he wasn't the only one having his thoughts dive south over the request to beg. But also: Wow. )
Y-You're ... really quite riled up tonight, aren't you?
( Caelus did narrowly miss a threesome. Kaveh can't blame him in that regard. And again, he swallows, passing a couple of glances over his shoulders to ensure that no one is listening in. Can't have all of Sumeru know that the Light of the Kshahrewar is a giant ho. Although lbr, they probably know that anyway. )
Yes. Let's. ( He says quite urgently - which implies enthusiasm, but it also comes from a place of him ready to burn to a crisp from embarrassment if he hears any more public teasing like that. Kaveh really does make it so easy for himself.
The blonde man pays for their bar tab, and receives a room key from the tavern owner, who then winks at him. Ugh. All right, maybe he's been a lot less subtle about this than he imagined. But they're almost at the room ... and once he steps through that door, he vows to stop worrying. )
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[ 🧍 ]
Guess I know what I'm about.
[ The real truth: he has no idea what's going on. Ever.
But now he's being escorted by a flirty, cute blonde and Caelus is beginning to realize there isn't any backing out of this. Is he a virgin? Yep, sure is. Does he care his first time is going to be with Kaveh and not someone that he cares about? Nope. Doesn't really care at all. He goes where the wind takes him.
The door shuts behind him once they get to the room and he's feeling a little nervous too, but it's time to deflect that feeling by putting his attention on Kaveh. ]
Dude. You're super nervous. Here..
[ Gently, he takes the other man by both of his wrists and rubs his thumbs into them. Caelus offers him a small smile. ]
What are you anxious about? You can tell me.